What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.