Therapy: Is it worth it?

I remember one of the first times I went surfing during a big swell, the waves were suppose to be 7-9 feet with an occasional 11-foot wave. I decided I would go to one of my favorite local spots. As I made the mile trek across the warm sand, I was feeling both excited and anxious, because often those two go hand-in-hand. So many unknowns bouncing around in my head… Will I be able to paddle out in such large surf? Will I have enough energy to catch a wave if I do get out? What if I get held under, or pummeled by a huge wave? 

It reminded me of when I decided to see a therapist. There was an excitement to be able to work through some things, to grow, to heal. AND there were so many unknowns going into the first few sessions. Will this therapist understand me? Will they be able to help? Will I feel comfortable opening up to them? 

I started the long, 100-yard paddle to where the waves were breaking. About half way there my arms felt like noodles from diving under so many powerful waves. I was huffing and puffing, trying to catch my breath as I fought the rushing whitewater of every crashing wave. I felt like I was never going to make it to where the waves were forming. I found my self-talk saying, “just keep paddling. Don’t look back, just keep looking forward to where you want to go. You WILL get there.” With every stroke and breath these words became like a mantra or meditation for me. I knew if I looked back I would be discouraged at where I was and then I would have to fight the desire to give up.

In that moment, I realized this is like the process of therapy. It can be difficult, painful, and scary, with so many unknowns going into it. These are the moments that often bring the growth and healing. It’s not easy, AND that doesn’t mean its not good. 

As I got closer to the lineup, I could see the big dark bumps way out toward the horizon, which generally means set waves (waves that come in larger than the current waves) are coming. I kept my eyes on the set waves, and with each wave that came in I was barely able to dive under the wave before it crashed on me. There were 4 set waves that came through with one rogue wave. They are often called rogue waves because they are the biggest set waves, they seem to come out of no where, and will often take everyone out in its path. 

Life seems to throw rouge waves at us from time to time doesn’t it? Maybe everyday feels like you are being pummeled and pushed back. They feel like set backs, like all the work and progress we have done to move forward and find healing is lost. It can be so defeating. This is the process of deep growth. Often times we take a couple of steps forward and then get pushed back, and if we keep going and trust the process of therapy, over time, we will look back and see just how far we have come. 

After all the hard work of getting out to the line up, I finally caught one of those bigger waves. I will never forget the joy, and the feeling of riding a wave like that. It was worth every moment of the fight to get there.  Life can become joyful again. You will find healing. You will grow and really thrive in life. You are worth every moment of the fight to get there! 

What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.

What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes                                         

Social Anxiety Group

Prepare to Change non-profit is hosting a social anxiety group for adults. Please contact us if you or someone you know is interested in attending. 

Why We Fight With The People We Love The Most

Great short video of why we fight with the people we love the most. The heart of what intimacy can mean starts at about 2:19.

Love Sense: from infant to adult

The pain of disconnection from a loved one significantly impacts us. This video by Sue Johnson and Ed Tronik, shows how disconnection effects us from infant to adulthood.

Forgiveness: How to be set free

I am excited and honored to be speaking at theDBSA OC chapter educational meeting on September 18, 2017. I am going to be speaking on Forgiveness; what it is and what it isn't, and how to begin to set yourself free.

It is open to the public, so if you would like to come click on the links below to find out all the details.

Educational meeting flier

DBSA OC

13 Things You Do Because of Anxiety

I came across this video the other day and thought it briefly summed up common symptoms of anxiety. After #5 they do a short advertisement for their sponsor, so make sure to stay with it for #6-13.

We all experience a little anxiety from time to time, however, those who struggle with anxiety can feel exhausted, overwhelmed, and it can be debilitating. There is help. Seeking a therapist or counselor who specializes in anxiety, can help you manage and cope with anxiety. If you or a loved one has anxiety please feel free to contact me. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life

Overcoming addiction: Everything you think you know about addiction is wrong.

Addiction can wreak havoc, not only on the addict but friends, family, and many other people. What is it that one person can overcome addiction, while another person never finds freedom from the grips of addiction? What if our bonds, connections, and attachments could actually be a healing element to addiction? This interesting research points to the power of human connection.

If you or someone you know desires to break free from addiction, there is hope. A trained therapist can help.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

How can I tell if my relationship is in trouble?

How can I tell if my marriage/relationship is in trouble?

I hear this question asked from time to time in therapy, and it is a valid question. Most people believe since they fight that their relationship is coming to the inevitable end. But fighting isn't always the reason relationships don't last., In fact many couples are stunned when I tell them fighting can actually strengthen a relationship, if both people are able to turn towards one another and repair, rather than staying a distance while defending or attacking. 

In this video, Dr. Sue Johnson explains the science behind what can keep couples together, and what can dissolve their relationship. It is worth watching the 5:45 video. And if you and/or your partner are asking yourself if the end of the relationship is near, there is hope to have a healthy and thriving relationship if both of you are wanting and willing to work at it. I would be happy to answer any questions you have or talk with you over the phone to see if therapy would be a good fit. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

The "SHOULDS" of Christmas: holiday expectations and stress

Christmas is the time of year where we are to be jolly, generous, and grateful. And yet, often times the holiday "shoulds" can carry stress and expectations that can leave us feeling guilty, irritable, depressed, or anything but happy. If you find yourself saying or thinking "I should..," this holiday season, here is a short article by Dr. Susan Noonan that may help. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusahttps://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/view-the-mist/201611/holiday-expectations-and-stress Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Health and well-being awareness: Movemeber and No-Shave-November

It’s the beginning of November, the morning air is a little crisper, the smell of pumpkin spice is abundant, and many people are putting away their razors, growing out their hair, and exercising. Health and well-being is highly important, and I want to help bring awareness whenever I can.

You may have seen friends posting on social media about participating in Movember or No-Shave-November. I thought you might like to hear a bit of the back story on these organizations and what causes they support. 

Movemeber and No-Shave-November are non-profit organizations that help bring awareness to cancer and mental health in the month of November by challenging us to put away our razors, let our hair grow, and get some exercise. 

Movember encourages men to grow mustaches, and donate to cancer research, and mental health awareness. They have teamed up with The Prevention Institute, and Prostate Cancer Foundation, and give 82 cents of every dollar donated to help fight cancer. If you can’t grow a mustache but still would like to participate, you can also get active and Move for Movember.

No-Shave-November was founded by a family in Chicago after their father had lost his battle with colon cancer. The organization challenges all people to stop shaving and donate the money they would normally be spending on razors or waxing appointments. They have teamed up with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, American Cancer Society, and more to help stop cancer.

This year I have chosen to blend the two together by putting away my razor for the month to support cancer awareness, and taking the Move for Movember challenge for mental health awareness. Join me this November in helping fight cancer, and bringing awareness to mental health.

Below are statistics on cancer and mental health:

Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year

18% of the US population (40 million adults) is impacted by an anxiety disorder. Yet only 1/3 seek treatment

6.7% of the US population (15 million adults) is impacted by major depressive disorder.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and the rate of suicide is highest among middle aged white men.

We have all been impacted by cancer in one way or another, and it is often tragic. According to the National Cancer Institute an estimated 1,685,210 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. in 2016, and 595,690 will die. Some of the most common forms of cancer are breast cancer, lung cancer, prostate cancer, colon and rectum cancer, and bladder cancer. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

The 9 signs you need to know: Symptoms of depression

We all feel down from time to time, but how do you know if you are depressed, or simply just feeling down?

Depression doesn’t always look the same for everyone, symptoms can be gradual, inconspicuous, and not have a “normal” pattern. Mild depression may present as hitting snooze more often because you find it difficult to get out of bed. You may find yourself choosing to stay home instead of go out with friends. People might comment on how you seem more impatient or irritable lately.

So what is depression, and how can we begin to recognize the symptoms? First let’s start with how the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders or the DSM 5 defines it. Then in the next couple of blog posts, I will take some of the symptoms and describe how these symptoms may present gradually and subtly.

9 DEPRESSION SYMPTOMS

Someone who is experiencing depression (clinically known as major depressive episode) will have at least 5 out of the 9 symptoms for two weeks or more.

1. A depressed mood most of the day, almost every day, and might be subjectively described or reported by others as sadness, emptiness, or hopelessness.
2. Diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities most of the day, nearly every day. Includes sexual desire.
3. Significant weight loss when not dieting, or weight gain.
4. Difficulty sleeping (insomnia), or excessive sleeping (hypersomnia) nearly every day.
5. Psychomotor agitation or retardation (observable by others, not just subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)
6. Fatigue or loss of energy
7. Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day.
8. Diminished ability to think, concentrate, or indecisiveness, nearly every day.
9. Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal thoughts without a specific plan, or a suicide attempt or a specific plan for committing suicide.  

These symptoms will cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of life.

GETTING HELP

Depression is relentless and can be debilitating. If depression is left untreated, the average episode will last approximately 6 months to 2 years. Depression is very treatable! Here are a few ways to begin treatment if you or a loved one is experiencing depression.

• Create a safe environment: Blaming, or dismissing a person who is feeling depressed will often only exacerbate the feelings they already have. Be present, listen, and have an open discussion in a non-judgmental way.
• Listen for suicidal thoughts: If you or a loved one is considering harming himself or herself, immediate treatment is critical. Go to your nearest emergency room, contact a mental health provider, or contact National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255
• See a mental health professional: This can be a psychiatrist to help prescribe medications if necessary, or therapist who has experience treating depression.
• Find resources and support: There are several online resources like National Institutes of Mental Health and National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are support groups such as Depression Bipolar Support Alliance as well.

Over the next blog posts, I will discuss these symptoms more to help you identify the more subtle signs of depression.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Hidden in analogy: How to talk with people who are depressed

The emotional and physical expressions of depression can be extremely difficult to describe. Oftentimes, literal language falls short in conveying the depth of what it feels like to be depressed, because it can be subtle and nuanced. Depression isn’t as simple as feeling sad.

Throughout the years, artists, poets, and musicians have tried to use their talents to express the complexity of depression. Their ability communicate the raw, often crippling emotions that come with depression is what draws many people to deeply connect to their work.

Edvard Munch DESPAIR

I recently had an opportunity to do a workshop for people who struggle with severe depression. During our conversation, I asked them to describe what their depression feels like. At first it started off with one word adjectives such as sad, lonely, and empty. After a bit more discussion, people began to share deeper feelings such as hopeless, numb, despair, and shame. Then something amazing happened, it was as if the literal language didn’t suffice, and people started using analogies such as,

“I feel like I am lost in a dense fog,”

“I feel like I am treading water, and I can barely sip in air as the ocean engulfs me,”

“it’s like a waterboarding of your soul,”

“I feel like I am an abandoned building, I am physically there but there is no life in me.”

People who are struggling with depression want to be heard and they long to be understood. They want to know they are not alone in this, and that there is hope, even if they don't feel like there is.

Unfortunately, depression is often viewed as a weakness. Some people think the depressed person just needs to snap out of it and work harder, or that it’s all in their head. Because of this stigma, people with depression can feel misunderstood or dismissed which often affirms a critical internal voice that says they are worthless and unlovable, and can exacerbate the feelings of depression. Sadly, many people will not seek help even though depression is very treatable.  

If you’re concerned that you or someone you know may be struggling with depression, pay attention to the analogies and body language as depression is often clothed in phrases like the ones above.

How to talk to someone about depression

Talking to someone who is depressed can elicit feelings of uncertainty of what to say and how to say it. You may find yourself feeling helpless as you watch them struggle in their depression. Oftentimes, you’ll notice that you may want to give them advice on how to feel better. It is important to remember that you don’t have to try to “fix” the person, but compassionate listening can show that you care and are there to support them.

Here are some ways you can begin a conversation:

“I have noticed that you seem down lately, and wondered how you are feeling?”

“I have noticed some changes in you recently, and I wanted to check in with you.”

“I have been feeling concerned about you lately, how have you been doing?”

Things you can say that can be helpful:

“You are important to me. Your life is important to me.”

“I might not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to support you.”

“You are not alone in this. I am here for you, and we will get through this together.”

“Let’s talk to a doctor and/or therapist together.”

Listening, encouragement and support can bring great hope, and it can all begin by being attuned to the analogies and body language, and knowing the signs of depression. In the next blog post I will discuss the symptoms of depression, and then expand on how those symptoms may be gradual and subtle.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Hope for Hurting Relationships: How couples therapy can help heal.

Research is showing that couples who feel safe and connected with their partners provide comfort and confidence in times of uncertainty and pain, and calm our fears.

The quality of these connections have profound implications not just on how content and satisfied we are, but also our ability to face life's most difficult challenges. It also has effects on our emotional and mental well-being.

Couple's therapy provide the space to develop the closeness and security we desire in our relationships.

Here is a short video by Dr. Sue Johnson giving a short description of the research on couples therapy.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Making the Most of Our Moods: Living with depression and bipolar.

If you or someone you know experiences depression or bipolar, it is important to have resources available to help.

Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA) connects people to a support group and provides conferences to learn more about how to live with depression and bipolar disorders.

Click here to check out the DBSA-CA website

I will be doing a workshop at the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance Conference Saturday September 24th. If you would like to attend the conference click the button below to download the registration forms.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

What neediness could be doing to your relationship: Clearing up codependency, dependency, and interdependency.

In any relationship that voice inside our head can accuse us of being too needy. Our insecurities can convince us that we need to be more independent, and not ask our partners to meet our needs. 

So whats wrong with wanting to depend on our partner for comfort, connection, and intimacy? 

This short video Melanie Gorman and Sue Johnson address neediness, codependency, and interdependency. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life

Orlando: Responding to the tragedy of evil violence.

As I read the news of the tragedy that unfolded in Orlando on Sunday, I found myself reading article after article in shock and disbelief. I kept saying out loud, "not another shooting!" Soon I was at a loss for words, and sat in silence staring at pictures as my computer screen went to black. There were no words that could adequately describe the atrocity that occurred, and the feelings welling up inside me.

Painting by Alexis Burt of AMB Home Design

I began to think about the family members, the friends, the partners that were called in the middle of the night. Those who frantically rushed to the hospital to hold their loved ones hand, to be there when they woke up from surgery, or to say good-bye. Tears began to fall as I mourned with, and for those who have lost.

President Obama has described this as an "act of terror and an act of hate." This violence is also an act of evil and complete disregard for all humanity, and human dignity. In my anger, I wonder how many more people need to suffer?! How many more people need to die before something changes?! When will the violence and evil stop? How can it be stopped? 

Photo by Jere Keys #WeAreOrlando

People from all around the world are standing in solidarity with those in Orlando, this has impacted us all. This single event has united the world in a way that has shown great compassion, concern, and love. It is in this space that healing from the tragedy of evil violence can begin.

Here are some resources to help communicate your experience.

NIMH- coping with traumatic events

NIMH- parents helping children and adolescents cope with violence and disasters

PBS- parents talking with kids about violence and news

 Victim of crimes

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Why every healthy realtionship needs boundaries

I know these two couples.

One is working toward a thriving, vibrant relationship. This couple continues to work through their anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment and loss, and is developing more connection through it all.

One continues arguing, and wonders if the misery will ever end.

Both of these couples entered into therapy because it was their last effort at trying to make the relationship work. We all have gotten to a place where we have felt:

Dismissed

Devalued

Disappointed

Abandoned

Betrayed

Insignificant  

Unloved

And we have all wanted our spouse or partner to deeply love us and respect us.

Both couples had so much built up resentment and contempt. Anger and attacking words flowed out of their mouths like venom, looking to destroy their partner. And as they expressed their contempt and disappointment, both couples seemed to use similar language.

“I did everything for them.” “I gave them so much.”

“I worked so hard for them.” “They didn’t notice when I…”

“I was always there for them.” “I could never win with them.”

“They never appreciated…”

There were boundaries being crossed and over time, crossed boundaries build resentment. It is difficult to have genuine love and care for someone, while they are violating your boundaries. In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as:

“what is ok and what is not ok.”

We all have boundaries, what we are ok with and what we are not ok with. One sign of a healthy relationship is when couples are able to acknowledge, communicate, and honor those boundaries. There will always be those people who continue to violate our boundaries, and we will have to hold them accountable for the way they treat us. Yes, this takes courage and work to initiate, and it may feel scary and overwhelming. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that it’s easier to blame and live in resentment. But it actually takes more vital energy to live in this resentment and we degrade our self-worth. Choosing what is healthy for us over what is easy or comfortable can be difficult, and it is also more life giving.

So how do you create boundaries?

When creating boundaries remember to start small, and with relatively neutral topics at first.

1)     It’s important to recognize and understand what you are feeling.

Clear boundaries starts with knowing how we feel. Take some time by yourself and reflect on how you are feeling. Then write down what happened and how it made you feel so you can articulate it. Example: “When I am not included in making plans for the dinner, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

2)     Recognize how your boundaries have been violated and what you might need.

Now process what you wrote down, and see how your boundaries were crossed. Write that down. Example: “It’s not ok with me when I am not asked or included. I need to be included in making decision by being asked and considered.”   

3)     Have support in place.

When boundaries are being formed there can often be 1) feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and/or fear from you, and 2) retaliation from the other person. A support system can help you stay grounded, help comfort, and remind you that you are worth the effort. This can be family, church, therapist, coworker, or friend.

4)     Be brave, and communicate your boundaries.

If you find your partner wanting to argue, be defensive, or retaliate, those are indications your partner is not respecting your boundary or your self-worth. Stay out of resentment and disappointment by not giving in and by blaming less. Remember boundaries are not just a sign of healthy relationships; they are also a sign of healthy well-being.

If you would like to know more about boundaries or if you would like to start couples counseling, click here to schedule an appointment.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life

Best Parenting Qualities: The adventure of getting lost with your kids.

Every year for Thanksgiving my family visits extended family in Northern California. On our way up there, we were driving in the middle of nowhere, on a two lane highway, stuck in horrendous traffic. There was an accident that left miles of cars at a standstill, and it appeared as if we were going to be stuck for hours. We had already been driving for four hours, and everyone was a little antsy. Luckily we were right next to an off ramp. I asked my wife and kids if we should get off and try to find another way. To my amazement they all said yes, and so off we went. If I would have known what was about to transpire, I would have done this years ago!

Before we knew it, the roads ended and the dirt trails going through fields and orchards began. We could no longer see the freeway, but we knew the general direction we were suppose to go. With every fork in the road we had to make decisions of which way to turn. At first they were calculated guesstimates that kept us going in a direction we felt we needed to go. I would often ask my kids, which way do you think we should go? Together as a family we would decide, and then go. The more we drove, the less this became about getting back to the proper path, and the more it became an adventure to enjoy. As I drove faster on these dirt roads, the kids started shouting out directions, and the laughter, excitement, and nervousness filled the car. At one point I knew we were lost, there were no signs, no roads, no people, and we were in the middle of an orchard with nothing around for miles, and the whole family was having fun and working together.

To this day my kids tell their favorite story of the time we got lost on the way to Thanksgiving, and they still laugh when they tell it. It also taught me a valuable lesson about parenting. I learned the importance of giving our kids the space to lead the parents by making decisions where they can fail, get lost, and work together as a family. This models just how much you trust them, how to give up control and empower others, and that they can survive and overcome anything because they have the support of their family.    

We eventually found our way back to the highway. As we drove along the two lane road, all four of us were looking at the orchards to our left, knowing how much more fun it was just on the other side of that chain link fence.

For more reading on this check out Let’s Get Lost by Megan McBride.

Feel free to contact me if you want to develop more of these types of parenting qualities, by clicking here.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.