What forgiveness IS: The building blocks of being set free

No matter how hard we try, it seems we just aren’t immune to being hurt. People often come to therapy because they are suffering in someway, and desire to find relief from the wounds experiences have brought them. We are taught if we show hurt or pain, that we are weak, and so we tend to express it through anger. 

Anger isn’t all bad. It can be a natural response to pain, hurt and injustice. Anger can motivate us to into action against the very thing that causes pain. It is when anger festers into bitterness and resentment that it can become dangerous. 

Nelson Mandela said, “Resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill your enemies.” 

When resentment and bitterness remain over a period of time, they can cause feelings of helplessness, limit problem solving skills, and trigger anxiety and depression. 

Resentment robs you of your joy. Bitterness steals your ability to fully live.

I have to admit when I looked up the definition of forgive, I was surprised. Merriam-Webster defines it as “to give up resentment,” and my favorite, “to grant relief.”

Many of us try to find relief through blaming and revenge, but that is corrosive in relationships and its violent. 

Brene Brown defines blame the “discharging of pain, discomfort, and anger.”

And revenge never works, because we are a hurt person, now hurting others. 

Gandhi said it this way, “an eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.”

In her book Unbroken, Laura Hillenbrand wrote, “The paradox of vengefulness is that it makes men dependent upon those who have harmed them, believing that their release from pain will come only when their tormentors suffer.” 

This is the process Walter Wink coined as the “Myth of Redemptive Violence.”

So how do we begin to give up resentment and grant relief?

How to Begin:

1)  Forgiveness is a process                                                                                                  

It takes a lot of work, and often times people stop the process to early because of discomfort and pain. It is something you may have to revisit over and over, and can take a while. 

2) It begins with awareness                                                                                                          

Just recognizing you have a wound, you have been wronged, you’re holding onto a grudge, or your anger has festered to bitterness or resentment is where you start. 

3) Name it                                                                                                                                  

You can’t heal if you can’t name what happened. Write it out on paper, draw it, sculpt it, get every detail out. 

4) Release it                                                                                                                            

This is a very difficult choice at times, but it is what frees us from the past and moves us forward toward healing. It often works best if you find a ritual to enact releasing it.                                                      

Write it down and burn it                                                                                                              

Draw it and throw it away                                                                                                          

Sculpt it and burry it                                                                                                                      

Go for a walk and yell at the person as if they were there                                                          

Do what ever you need to do to get it out and release it.

5) Practice compassion and empathy on a daily basis                                                              

When you make a mistake try not to beat yourself up. Honestly assess what happened, and any actions you might need to take to resolve it.

What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes