How can I tell if my relationship is in trouble?

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How can I tell if my marriage/relationship is in trouble?

I hear this question asked from time to time in therapy, and it is a valid question. Most people believe since they fight that their relationship is coming to the inevitable end. But fighting isn't always the reason relationships don't last., In fact many couples are stunned when I tell them fighting can actually strengthen a relationship, if both people are able to turn towards one another and repair, rather than staying a distance while defending or attacking. 

In this video, Dr. Sue Johnson explains the science behind what can keep couples together, and what can dissolve their relationship. It is worth watching the 5:45 video. And if you and/or your partner are asking yourself if the end of the relationship is near, there is hope to have a healthy and thriving relationship if both of you are wanting and willing to work at it. I would be happy to answer any questions you have or talk with you over the phone to see if therapy would be a good fit. 

 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Hope for Hurting Relationships: How couples therapy can help heal.

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Research is showing that couples who feel safe and connected with their partners provide comfort and confidence in times of uncertainty and pain, and calm our fears.

The quality of these connections have profound implications not just on how content and satisfied we are, but also our ability to face life's most difficult challenges. It also has effects on our emotional and mental well-being.

Couple's therapy provide the space to develop the closeness and security we desire in our relationships.

Here is a short video by Dr. Sue Johnson giving a short description of the research on couples therapy.

 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.

Why every healthy realtionship needs boundaries

/ Dustin Shultz LMFT/

I know these two couples.

One is working toward a thriving, vibrant relationship. This couple continues to work through their anger, pain, betrayal, abandonment and loss, and is developing more connection through it all.

One continues arguing, and wonders if the misery will ever end.

Both of these couples entered into therapy because it was their last effort at trying to make the relationship work. We all have gotten to a place where we have felt:

Dismissed

Devalued

Disappointed

Abandoned

Betrayed

Insignificant  

Unloved

And we have all wanted our spouse or partner to deeply love us and respect us.

Both couples had so much built up resentment and contempt. Anger and attacking words flowed out of their mouths like venom, looking to destroy their partner. And as they expressed their contempt and disappointment, both couples seemed to use similar language.

“I did everything for them.” “I gave them so much.”

“I worked so hard for them.” “They didn’t notice when I…”

“I was always there for them.” “I could never win with them.”

“They never appreciated…”

There were boundaries being crossed and over time, crossed boundaries build resentment. It is difficult to have genuine love and care for someone, while they are violating your boundaries. In her book Rising Strong, Brene Brown simply defines boundaries as:

“what is ok and what is not ok.”

We all have boundaries, what we are ok with and what we are not ok with. One sign of a healthy relationship is when couples are able to acknowledge, communicate, and honor those boundaries. There will always be those people who continue to violate our boundaries, and we will have to hold them accountable for the way they treat us. Yes, this takes courage and work to initiate, and it may feel scary and overwhelming. One of the lies we tell ourselves is that it’s easier to blame and live in resentment. But it actually takes more vital energy to live in this resentment and we degrade our self-worth. Choosing what is healthy for us over what is easy or comfortable can be difficult, and it is also more life giving.

So how do you create boundaries?

When creating boundaries remember to start small, and with relatively neutral topics at first.

1)     It’s important to recognize and understand what you are feeling.

Clear boundaries starts with knowing how we feel. Take some time by yourself and reflect on how you are feeling. Then write down what happened and how it made you feel so you can articulate it. Example: “When I am not included in making plans for the dinner, I feel dismissed and unimportant.”

2)     Recognize how your boundaries have been violated and what you might need.

Now process what you wrote down, and see how your boundaries were crossed. Write that down. Example: “It’s not ok with me when I am not asked or included. I need to be included in making decision by being asked and considered.”   

3)     Have support in place.

When boundaries are being formed there can often be 1) feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and/or fear from you, and 2) retaliation from the other person. A support system can help you stay grounded, help comfort, and remind you that you are worth the effort. This can be family, church, therapist, coworker, or friend.

4)     Be brave, and communicate your boundaries.

If you find your partner wanting to argue, be defensive, or retaliate, those are indications your partner is not respecting your boundary or your self-worth. Stay out of resentment and disappointment by not giving in and by blaming less. Remember boundaries are not just a sign of healthy relationships; they are also a sign of healthy well-being.

If you would like to know more about boundaries or if you would like to start couples counseling, click here to schedule an appointment.

 

 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life