Hidden in analogy: How to talk with people who are depressed

The emotional and physical expressions of depression can be extremely difficult to describe. Oftentimes, literal language falls short in conveying the depth of what it feels like to be depressed, because it can be subtle and nuanced. Depression isn’t as simple as feeling sad.

Throughout the years, artists, poets, and musicians have tried to use their talents to express the complexity of depression. Their ability communicate the raw, often crippling emotions that come with depression is what draws many people to deeply connect to their work.

Edvard Munch DESPAIR

I recently had an opportunity to do a workshop for people who struggle with severe depression. During our conversation, I asked them to describe what their depression feels like. At first it started off with one word adjectives such as sad, lonely, and empty. After a bit more discussion, people began to share deeper feelings such as hopeless, numb, despair, and shame. Then something amazing happened, it was as if the literal language didn’t suffice, and people started using analogies such as,

“I feel like I am lost in a dense fog,”

“I feel like I am treading water, and I can barely sip in air as the ocean engulfs me,”

“it’s like a waterboarding of your soul,”

“I feel like I am an abandoned building, I am physically there but there is no life in me.”

People who are struggling with depression want to be heard and they long to be understood. They want to know they are not alone in this, and that there is hope, even if they don't feel like there is.

Unfortunately, depression is often viewed as a weakness. Some people think the depressed person just needs to snap out of it and work harder, or that it’s all in their head. Because of this stigma, people with depression can feel misunderstood or dismissed which often affirms a critical internal voice that says they are worthless and unlovable, and can exacerbate the feelings of depression. Sadly, many people will not seek help even though depression is very treatable.  

If you’re concerned that you or someone you know may be struggling with depression, pay attention to the analogies and body language as depression is often clothed in phrases like the ones above.

How to talk to someone about depression

Talking to someone who is depressed can elicit feelings of uncertainty of what to say and how to say it. You may find yourself feeling helpless as you watch them struggle in their depression. Oftentimes, you’ll notice that you may want to give them advice on how to feel better. It is important to remember that you don’t have to try to “fix” the person, but compassionate listening can show that you care and are there to support them.

Here are some ways you can begin a conversation:

“I have noticed that you seem down lately, and wondered how you are feeling?”

“I have noticed some changes in you recently, and I wanted to check in with you.”

“I have been feeling concerned about you lately, how have you been doing?”

Things you can say that can be helpful:

“You are important to me. Your life is important to me.”

“I might not understand exactly how you feel, but I care about you and want to support you.”

“You are not alone in this. I am here for you, and we will get through this together.”

“Let’s talk to a doctor and/or therapist together.”

Listening, encouragement and support can bring great hope, and it can all begin by being attuned to the analogies and body language, and knowing the signs of depression. In the next blog post I will discuss the symptoms of depression, and then expand on how those symptoms may be gradual and subtle.

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.