What Forgiveness is NOT: 5 roadblocks on your path toward healing.

He walked in, furious. He sat down and started cursing, saying how evil she was, and that she would never change. It reminded me of how anger is portrayed in cartoons, when a person’s face goes red and steam comes out of their ears. After 15 minutes, he yells out, “I can NEVER forgive her for this!!” 

When I asked what was keeping him from forgiving her, he said something very telling, “I can’t forgive because this hurts too much. The pain is so bad, I won’t ever be able to forget it happened.” 

We live in a culture that is quick to suggest the old cliché “forgive and forget”, as if forgiveness can only come when we can forget what was done to us. 

Forgiving and forgetting aren’t always one and the same. In fact, forgetting isn't the end goal. Forgetting at times, can actually be a detriment to forgiving, because it can hijack the work we are doing to heal the wounds of our heart. Forgiveness leads us to this healing, and it doesn’t always lead to forgetting.

If we are going to forgive and do the work of healing the wounds of our heart, it is important to know what forgiveness is not. 

WHAT FORGIVENESS IS NOT:

1) Forgiveness IS NOT condoning or being ok with what has happened.                                     Rather than letting the offender off the hook for what they have done, it actually gives you        the freedom to name the offense and call it what it is.

2) Forgiveness IS NOT waiting for someone to apologize, or admit they were wrong.  

Forgiveness doesn’t rely on the actions of the other, it is something that you must choose to work towards. If you’re waiting for a sincere apology, you might be waiting a long time.

3) Forgiveness IS NOT forgetting what happened.                                                           

Sometimes forgiveness is actually remembering. Healing doesn't come when we work to forget, but it comes from working through the hurt, anger, brokenness, and possibly setting boundaries.

4) Forgiveness IS NOT eliminating the consequences or stopping justice.                                

You might still need to call the police, CPS, etc. to make sure the offense is dealt with properly.

5) Forgiveness IS NOT reconciling or pretending it never happened.                                      

While reconciling the relationship may be the path you choose to take, it is by no means a requirement of forgiveness. Forgiveness may be what finally releases you from the chains that have bound you to the one who hurt you.

WHAT FORGIVNESS IS:

1) Forgiveness is healing from the hurt and pain so it doesn’t fester and stifle our JOY.

For more on forgiveness check out: 

The Book of Forgiving by Desmond and Mpho Tutu.       

Rising Strong by Brene Brown                                            

Forgive and Forget by Lewis B Smedes                                         

Health and well-being awareness: Movemeber and No-Shave-November

It’s the beginning of November, the morning air is a little crisper, the smell of pumpkin spice is abundant, and many people are putting away their razors, growing out their hair, and exercising. Health and well-being is highly important, and I want to help bring awareness whenever I can.

You may have seen friends posting on social media about participating in Movember or No-Shave-November. I thought you might like to hear a bit of the back story on these organizations and what causes they support. 

Movemeber and No-Shave-November are non-profit organizations that help bring awareness to cancer and mental health in the month of November by challenging us to put away our razors, let our hair grow, and get some exercise. 

Movember encourages men to grow mustaches, and donate to cancer research, and mental health awareness. They have teamed up with The Prevention Institute, and Prostate Cancer Foundation, and give 82 cents of every dollar donated to help fight cancer. If you can’t grow a mustache but still would like to participate, you can also get active and Move for Movember.

No-Shave-November was founded by a family in Chicago after their father had lost his battle with colon cancer. The organization challenges all people to stop shaving and donate the money they would normally be spending on razors or waxing appointments. They have teamed up with St. Jude Children’s Research Hospital, American Cancer Society, and more to help stop cancer.

This year I have chosen to blend the two together by putting away my razor for the month to support cancer awareness, and taking the Move for Movember challenge for mental health awareness. Join me this November in helping fight cancer, and bringing awareness to mental health.

Below are statistics on cancer and mental health:

Approximately 1 in 5 adults in the U.S.—43.8 million, or 18.5%—experiences mental illness in a given year

18% of the US population (40 million adults) is impacted by an anxiety disorder. Yet only 1/3 seek treatment

6.7% of the US population (15 million adults) is impacted by major depressive disorder.

Depression is the leading cause of disability in the US for ages 15-44

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US, and the rate of suicide is highest among middle aged white men.

We have all been impacted by cancer in one way or another, and it is often tragic. According to the National Cancer Institute an estimated 1,685,210 new cases of cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S. in 2016, and 595,690 will die. Some of the most common forms of cancer are breast cancer, lung cancer, prostate cancer, colon and rectum cancer, and bladder cancer. 

Dustin Shultz, LMFT. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, speaker, and adjunct faculty at Azusa Pacific University. I have experience working with teens, men, women, and couples, and have had success with people who are experiencing depression, anxiety, trauma, sexuality, divorce, affairs, cutting, grief, shame, stress, and life transitions. I help people live more authentically and embrace life.